Clarity

With everything happening in my life, I've taken a step back.  Not in the sense of maturity or regressing to a nuisance destined to have to fix themselves.  I've taken a step back and watched myself from the moments I can recollect to the seconds that flash across my eyes throughout each day.  I take a moment to ponder the infinitesimal moments that have combined to form that solitary second that I am now living.  I've wondered exactly what brought me here; where will it lead me; and if I don't like it, how do I change it.  I've contemplated the idea that we choose our future based on our present choices, and I grew weary at the thought each and every day.  Having to burden myself with the task of shouldering each and every decision seems daunting.
For some, it seems remarkable.  The ability to control your own destiny from start to finish is the perfect way to live your life.  And I agree.  I make my own decisions and I try to control the finer points of my existence.  But, recently, something changed.  Something raised within me that I certainly haven't been able to explain for weeks now.  It was a moment of clarity.  And that moment hasn't fled. With each passing second, I reaffirm the idea that these moments we live, we can conduct ourselves.  Our daily goals are ours to choose, and that is the most freeing feeling.  How we live day to day is completely ours, and we should do our best to seek out exactly what we are chasing.
But, in the end, our larger, broader goals are determined.  We try to fight the current, but the current only gives us small moments of hope before dragging us under and along its path.
And when I finally touched that current, I was soaked in relief.  I bathed in the clarity of it's water, and I realized I'm no longer imagining what my life is supposed to be like.  I'm releasing myself from the burden of deciding what it is exactly I'm trying to seek (everything sounds good at this point), and letting myself decide where I want to be.
This isn't a religious moment (per se), but a revelation in the idea of being.  A revelation in the existence of one's self and how we try to fight the current daily.  We struggle with our own reality and don't take the time to wonder if we really let ourselves subconsciously decide our fate.  Those goals and destinations are already there, programmed within us to be achieved.  And it's our responsibility to fulfill it.
How do we get there? By living the smaller moments.  By breathing the morning air and releasing the negativity you seem to burden.  By enjoying the gifts presented each day, and enjoying the company of others.  By realizing that control can be relinquished on the much larger picture, and to focus on the task at hand.  If you spend to much time trying to envision what life will be like in Tuesday of 2060, you still will have been living in Tuesday of 2016.  And that's no way to live. The most important part of our existence is enjoying the present. And welcoming the future.

The Waiting Game

I'm hoping to make this one short, but it's something I have to answer to.

Whenever I browse Facebook or any other social media outlet, I find myself stumbling across motivational/demotivational/inspirational/bullshit quotes people post in the moment they feel it's most needed. That's great. Find the quote that matches your current outlook and go with it.

However, there is one that I simply cannot stand. It's not so much a direct quote, but more about one that says something to the effect of "...don't worry, everything else will he handled, live for right now." Which is complete bullshit. I detest this one the most for a few reasons:

1.  Who sits back and makes millions? Who has laid on their ass and gotten exactly what they want out of life? Even though statistics are made up 75.49% of the time, it's statistically impossible for you to let everything come to you and still get exactly what you want. No matter where you are in life, you cannot give up on what you want to do. So "laying back and just living" is bullshit.
2. Even when you live by that quote, your still out there trying to handle something. Your life is not some chair-ridden, middle-aged, overweight being that finds a way to provide for you. You must find a way to access the best out of life. And that mean's doing something. That means going out and doing exactly what you've set out to do. It's almost a complete contradiction of the quote you tell yourself you're living by every day.
3. If you have to  tell yourself this every day, quit. If you want something, go after it. Life is too short to wait for something to pop up.  Who knows when it will pop up, or if it ever does. Living for right now was great when you were younger and under the care of someone else. You could do whatever you wanted. And it was great. Underwear in public was completely acceptable for that "live for right now" moment. Now, you are under your own care. And you take care of yourself. And you should probably find a way to do a damn good job of it.
4. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, GO AFTER IT. I feel like I'm repeating myself...

I understand what the quote is trying to convey, and I feel for those who are stuck in that moment. But I can't stress this enough that you just can't sit around and hope it comes to you. Once you find out what you're meant to do, go do it. Fail. Try Again. Fail Again. But mostly, try again. And succeed.

Pressed

The weight of it all,
pressed above myself,
squishing my body to the ground,
hardly a chance to relieve this pressure.
I shouldn't breathe,
I'm afraid there is not much space for....
for my body to expand and contract.
I'd rather keep my words pressed,
kept deep under my tongue.
They're better well hidden,
doubtless they will escape,
The damage they could do,
caustic and rather toxic.

I'm not ashamed or afraid,
in facing this new afair.
My thoughts gather speed,
my heart pumping in tune,
I've faced this before,
just not expecting to so soon.

I'll conquer this quest,
hold myself up in the highest degree,
yet I can't shake this feeling,
that I still cannot breathe.

Haze

There's a dense fog sweeping the north. It's heading straight for the edge of town. It creeps along the way, slowly edging toward the "Welcome To..." sign. A quick peek out the window shows the fog slowly rolling in. There's no end in sight, just rolling, thick fog. When the fog hits, it's as if the fog could never be lifted. As if the town has been swallowed by a cloud, poised to be swept away at the first chance. The town still keeps productive as if the fog hasn't taken its settlement hostage. The residents can barely see, and meander through the streets. They can see the people they know, but don't take the risk to acknowledge. They want to be sure they know who they see.

Days pass, the fog slowly rolls on. The town slowly loses hope that the fog will ever leave it's home. People are staying in, afraid to venture into the ever-thickening fog as it turns a heavier gray than the day before. The town slows down, beginning to fear they may be stuck forever. They want to leave, and in fact, they should. But venturing out into the fog could produce the worst, and the fog is incomprehensible in size. After a few more days, the townspeople fear the worst. They know that fear is overpowering their rational mind, and that fear knows no boundaries when it decides to take residence.

The town has not moved for days. Everyone feels the very worst, and knows not of their fellow residence. Finally, the house closest to the "Welcome To...." sign begins to reflect light. A small, sharp beam of the most beautiful gold. It begins to flood the house in the brightest of color, and fights off the grey that once swallowed the house. In what seems like seconds,the fog dissipates, revealing the quiet, empty town. Doors were shut, windows shaded, hope nearly gone. When the first beam hits the unsuspecting residents, a smile flashes across their faces. The gold that once stood among them is back to reclaim what is it's own. In pure delight, the townspeople tear off the shades, unbolt the doors, and flood the streets. Townspeople collectively sigh, rejoice, and have a celebration. Tomorrow, they will go back to their normal ways, fearing to remember the fog that overtook the town.

The battle is always the toughest. No one else understands what you feel. No one understands that, rationally, this makes no sense. One minute, you're smiling, enjoying the best moments with friends. The next day and for other continuous days, you feel as if a black case swallowed every other emotion you possessed, and your left to drown in sorrow. You constantly tell yourself you want to be normal; you want to laugh, smile, enjoy the moments others are clearly experiencing. You fight every single moment to rid yourself of this horrible haze that has clouded everything. The fight is exhausting, and you're having to constantly restart the battle from sun-up to sun-down.

I heard this song a while ago that completely struck every chord in my being. I couldn't believe how well it portrayed every moment I felt during my depressed states. As emotionally driven (14 year old scene girl) as this song is, it possess the truth of the matter. That feeling of being there, but not really being there. That feeling of wanting to enjoy every moment, but just hoping the moment would end so you could get away. It's such a hopeless pit of helplessness.

I never wanted to come out and say I was depressed, because I didn't believe I was. That was for people that had actual problems. I was a privileged kid, able to enjoy many of the things that life offered. I lost my father, yes. I lost my mom's parents shortly thereafter, yes. I could barely stand my step-father most/basically every day, yes. But I had fantastic health, great friends, and a loving mother and sister. I had my ATV, my bike, swimming, running, guitar, and plenty of other outlets to express myself when I needed to. Yet, I couldn't help but feel alone when the haze came. I couldn't help but feel like the world was resting it's massive ass across my chest. I was so young, I couldn't help but believe I was just going through growing pains. Yet, I had such a small feeling that maybe something was wrong.

It started slow, not lasting longer than a day. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake it. But it barely lasted longer than a day. I could handle that. And then, one turned into two, and it grew. It struck on days I couldn't foresee, even after I had some of the best days. It plagued my consciousness, going so far as to only have happy dreams I wish would come true. I had to fight, and I did. I knew I could at least give myself a fighting chance to stay as positive as possible. I did what I could when I could. I wanted to tell some of my friends, but I felt it sounded so foolish.

In the end, I did what I could, when I could. And, I'm as happy as ever to say I think I finally won. My attacks are less frequent, and even less strong. I fought a battle armed with nothing more than determination, a horrible affliction of competitiveness, and a great supporting cast.

I write this today as a tribute to a man who literally didn't deserve to lose. Robin Williams was a fantastic human being. I've read countless stories of him putting smiles on others faces. And I can just guess that's what fought his haze. I hope he finds the peace he truly deserves.

For anyone who is currently battling depression, please seek help. Please, talk. Please, fight. I believe in you.

Time stood still,
the way it did before,
it's like I'm sleepwalking.
fell into another hole again,
it's like I'm sleepwalking.

Being a Brother

I did it. I blew up on a best friend. It was rough. I've never really done it before, at least not to this degree. But still, it was short lived, aftershocks still rippling. I now find myself on the cusp of new abstract thoughts. I'm wandering inside my divine noggin in small attempts to justify my outrage. Finally, I push my homework and seriously long midterm to divulge my favorite hobby: writing for thought.

The reasons to you all should not be known, and to the person to whom I am speaking of, you already have heard my apology. So now I want to just clear myself a new path. I want to really dive into what it means to be a brother. To be a brother to not only my blood sibling, but my bonded siblings.

I remember bringing my sister home, feeling the newness of her existence. Abstract theories for such a young age were not my strong suit, and honestly, I didn't think too hard on it. I grew up right, raised a couple different ways, eventually just raising myself. My sister followed, and I tried to show her the best way I could what it means to do right and to do wrong. I fancy myself an ethical person, so I dare not say I did wrong. I let her know that I was meant to help, yet let her find her own path. She has done well for the most part, with still that little bit of maturity left to learn.

Then I met a whole new gang, and my world was changed. No longer was I the older brother, but the new, younger, less mature brother. I gained 40 or so new brothers within a few weeks, considerably quicker than the 9 months due for my blood relative. I had different responsibilities now. I was to learn from these new, older siblings, while trying to teach them a thing or two about what I knew. I was the student, no longer the teacher. I was privileged to learn from such a gracious cast in Lambda Chi Alpha-Iota Alpha.

I found myself looking to the older members for new insights, picking their brain when I could. Sometimes, I just sat quiet, learning from their stories. I made my share of mistakes, and yes, those older brothers helped me when necessary. I had an incredible supporting cast to help me when I couldn't find the will to carry on most days. I had an incredible ride with those guys, and it was tough to see them walk away. I knew that their stories and wisdom had passed to me, and I promise to not let them down.

Now, I find myself being the older brother. Sure, I'm 5'8", but my wisdom transcends these shackles of height. I now find myself teaching the younger ones who dare listen to my stories. I've had a wonderful career here, and I'm ready to share my knowledge in attempt to help those after me as I was once taught. I promised to not let down those. And I will do my best. I want these new guys to have the same respect for me as I did for you. I want these new ones to understand that what we have here is special, and to not let it falter at the hands of pleasure.

However, these last few weeks, I have not been my brother's brother. I have not been there when I should have been. I have not been the brother I should be. I've failed in some respects to give these newly initiated brothers a chance to understand more of me and learn from me. Some of you probably have said less than a full paragraph of sentences to me. I apologize for not being able to show you who I am, what I'm about, and what I've done to get here. Please, when appropriate, and through the week if possible, as I have MWF open all dizzzamn day, come grab me and make me talk. I'm a wealth of knowledge. Older guys: heed my message, and do the same. I LOVE YOU ALL

In ZAX,
Deputy 1743

Gold

In a haphazard attempt to heal your wounds,
I carefully proceeded to make my way to you.
I knew you were hurting,
your face gave that away,
but it was your look that night,
that did align my own sight.
What I had realized was not evident to any naked eye,
it was kept close away for none to pry.
In one eager attempt I drew myself closer each night further,
hoping to examine this beautiful discovery.

I can hardly describe what it is I've found,
for I myself am still in shock.
I could align the stars, planets, and moons,
yet that wouldn't quite make out the beauty I have found.
I could write you a song with melodies and hooks,
but unfortunately it wouldn't come close to a good description.
I could group ten wonders of the world, showing them in succession,
but even then, those wouldn't keep my heart racing.

In a feeble attempt to convey my affection,
I will simply call it gold, for it's luster is similar,
and if I could be so lucky to possess that treasure,

that gold will be all that I need.

I can't be brief, so I won't. I can be confusing, so I will be.

The six strings will constantly play their part in my life these next few days. I've been getting consistently closer to this persistently dreaded day. Without a doubt, I'm completely stressed out. However, with each passing moment of darkness, there is a small ray of light that clearly shines when you need it most. I'm still looking for that light, but my optimism towards it is a sure sign that I can be better. I can get rid of all this negative energy and focus on doing the right thing. Maybe now I will calm down and realize what I'm doing.

I digress from my points consistently, with no conscious effort towards ever getting back to that thought. My brain trails, my lips fail, and my fingers always say what they want. Whenever I decide my thought process, I automatically deviate from it in an attempt to alleviate the pressure on my conscious from that ultimately horrible conclusion. Eventually, I now understand that my mind is taking it's toll on itself. Is it because I can't drive? Is it because I do no have a lady by my side? Hell if I truly know.

Completely deviating from my normal poetic prose, I want to clearly write and express my feelings. I want you guys to understand that I have not been the same for a few months now. I honestly have hated everything about myself for the past few months. I had to rely on too many people to keep me safe. I had to give my freedoms away for an incredibly selfish act. I had to explain to those I loved most that I could end up like my best friend. I had  to do a lot of things that I honestly never want to remember. I did a few things after the fact that I still question. I almost failed out of college. I let myself go to the point of no return.

Over these past few weeks, I have been feeling myself. I have been meaning to do right. I have been meaning to do good. I have been meaning to make amends. Now, I feel I am letting it slip away. It is as if I want to fall down that hill again in a vain attempt to show I am not going to be broken easily. The whole point of this is to break me. And I'm slowly trying to undo that lesson. I must stay focused. Stay poised. Stay true.


On my final paragraph, I now want to say thank you. Thank you to all those friends and family that helped me. Thank you to all those who lent their ear while I bent it with my angst. Thank you to all those who still listen to me bitch about those people I just see right through. Thank you to the people that kept me in the greatest fraternity on Ball State's campus (not bashing any other fraternity, I'm just so damn proud of my brothers). Thank you to my brothers who have kept me uplifted and proud of who I am. Thank you to anyone else who has just been there to say hey. I have had a rough 7 months, and without you all, I would be a devastated waste of space. When all comes to a fruition on Tuesday, I will finally have a weight lifted off my shoulders. sort of.... But, at least I know that you guys got me this far, you won't let me fall now. I love you all. Even when my words fail, my heart won't.