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The six strings will constantly play their part in my life these next few days. I've been getting consistently closer to this persistently dreaded day. Without a doubt, I'm completely stressed out. However, with each passing moment of darkness, there is a small ray of light that clearly shines when you need it most. I'm still looking for that light, but my optimism towards it is a sure sign that I can be better. I can get rid of all this negative energy and focus on doing the right thing. Maybe now I will calm down and realize what I'm doing.
I digress from my points consistently, with no conscious effort towards ever getting back to that thought. My brain trails, my lips fail, and my fingers always say what they want. Whenever I decide my thought process, I automatically deviate from it in an attempt to alleviate the pressure on my conscious from that ultimately horrible conclusion. Eventually, I now understand that my mind is taking it's toll on itself. Is it because I can't drive? Is it because I do no have a lady by my side? Hell if I truly know.
Completely deviating from my normal poetic prose, I want to clearly write and express my feelings. I want you guys to understand that I have not been the same for a few months now. I honestly have hated everything about myself for the past few months. I had to rely on too many people to keep me safe. I had to give my freedoms away for an incredibly selfish act. I had to explain to those I loved most that I could end up like my best friend. I had to do a lot of things that I honestly never want to remember. I did a few things after the fact that I still question. I almost failed out of college. I let myself go to the point of no return.
Over these past few weeks, I have been feeling myself. I have been meaning to do right. I have been meaning to do good. I have been meaning to make amends. Now, I feel I am letting it slip away. It is as if I want to fall down that hill again in a vain attempt to show I am not going to be broken easily. The whole point of this is to break me. And I'm slowly trying to undo that lesson. I must stay focused. Stay poised. Stay true.
On my final paragraph, I now want to say thank you. Thank you to all those friends and family that helped me. Thank you to all those who lent their ear while I bent it with my angst. Thank you to all those who still listen to me bitch about those people I just see right through. Thank you to the people that kept me in the greatest fraternity on Ball State's campus (not bashing any other fraternity, I'm just so damn proud of my brothers). Thank you to my brothers who have kept me uplifted and proud of who I am. Thank you to anyone else who has just been there to say hey. I have had a rough 7 months, and without you all, I would be a devastated waste of space. When all comes to a fruition on Tuesday, I will finally have a weight lifted off my shoulders. sort of.... But, at least I know that you guys got me this far, you won't let me fall now. I love you all. Even when my words fail, my heart won't.
