The weight of it all,
pressed above myself,
squishing my body to the ground,
hardly a chance to relieve this pressure.
I shouldn't breathe,
I'm afraid there is not much space for....
for my body to expand and contract.
I'd rather keep my words pressed,
kept deep under my tongue.
They're better well hidden,
doubtless they will escape,
The damage they could do,
caustic and rather toxic.
I'm not ashamed or afraid,
in facing this new afair.
My thoughts gather speed,
my heart pumping in tune,
I've faced this before,
just not expecting to so soon.
I'll conquer this quest,
hold myself up in the highest degree,
yet I can't shake this feeling,
that I still cannot breathe.
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Saturday, September 13, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Haze
There's a dense fog sweeping the north. It's heading straight for the edge of town. It creeps along the way, slowly edging toward the "Welcome To..." sign. A quick peek out the window shows the fog slowly rolling in. There's no end in sight, just rolling, thick fog. When the fog hits, it's as if the fog could never be lifted. As if the town has been swallowed by a cloud, poised to be swept away at the first chance. The town still keeps productive as if the fog hasn't taken its settlement hostage. The residents can barely see, and meander through the streets. They can see the people they know, but don't take the risk to acknowledge. They want to be sure they know who they see.
Days pass, the fog slowly rolls on. The town slowly loses hope that the fog will ever leave it's home. People are staying in, afraid to venture into the ever-thickening fog as it turns a heavier gray than the day before. The town slows down, beginning to fear they may be stuck forever. They want to leave, and in fact, they should. But venturing out into the fog could produce the worst, and the fog is incomprehensible in size. After a few more days, the townspeople fear the worst. They know that fear is overpowering their rational mind, and that fear knows no boundaries when it decides to take residence.
The town has not moved for days. Everyone feels the very worst, and knows not of their fellow residence. Finally, the house closest to the "Welcome To...." sign begins to reflect light. A small, sharp beam of the most beautiful gold. It begins to flood the house in the brightest of color, and fights off the grey that once swallowed the house. In what seems like seconds,the fog dissipates, revealing the quiet, empty town. Doors were shut, windows shaded, hope nearly gone. When the first beam hits the unsuspecting residents, a smile flashes across their faces. The gold that once stood among them is back to reclaim what is it's own. In pure delight, the townspeople tear off the shades, unbolt the doors, and flood the streets. Townspeople collectively sigh, rejoice, and have a celebration. Tomorrow, they will go back to their normal ways, fearing to remember the fog that overtook the town.
The battle is always the toughest. No one else understands what you feel. No one understands that, rationally, this makes no sense. One minute, you're smiling, enjoying the best moments with friends. The next day and for other continuous days, you feel as if a black case swallowed every other emotion you possessed, and your left to drown in sorrow. You constantly tell yourself you want to be normal; you want to laugh, smile, enjoy the moments others are clearly experiencing. You fight every single moment to rid yourself of this horrible haze that has clouded everything. The fight is exhausting, and you're having to constantly restart the battle from sun-up to sun-down.
I heard this song a while ago that completely struck every chord in my being. I couldn't believe how well it portrayed every moment I felt during my depressed states. As emotionally driven (14 year old scene girl) as this song is, it possess the truth of the matter. That feeling of being there, but not really being there. That feeling of wanting to enjoy every moment, but just hoping the moment would end so you could get away. It's such a hopeless pit of helplessness.
I never wanted to come out and say I was depressed, because I didn't believe I was. That was for people that had actual problems. I was a privileged kid, able to enjoy many of the things that life offered. I lost my father, yes. I lost my mom's parents shortly thereafter, yes. I could barely stand my step-father most/basically every day, yes. But I had fantastic health, great friends, and a loving mother and sister. I had my ATV, my bike, swimming, running, guitar, and plenty of other outlets to express myself when I needed to. Yet, I couldn't help but feel alone when the haze came. I couldn't help but feel like the world was resting it's massive ass across my chest. I was so young, I couldn't help but believe I was just going through growing pains. Yet, I had such a small feeling that maybe something was wrong.
It started slow, not lasting longer than a day. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake it. But it barely lasted longer than a day. I could handle that. And then, one turned into two, and it grew. It struck on days I couldn't foresee, even after I had some of the best days. It plagued my consciousness, going so far as to only have happy dreams I wish would come true. I had to fight, and I did. I knew I could at least give myself a fighting chance to stay as positive as possible. I did what I could when I could. I wanted to tell some of my friends, but I felt it sounded so foolish.
In the end, I did what I could, when I could. And, I'm as happy as ever to say I think I finally won. My attacks are less frequent, and even less strong. I fought a battle armed with nothing more than determination, a horrible affliction of competitiveness, and a great supporting cast.
I write this today as a tribute to a man who literally didn't deserve to lose. Robin Williams was a fantastic human being. I've read countless stories of him putting smiles on others faces. And I can just guess that's what fought his haze. I hope he finds the peace he truly deserves.
For anyone who is currently battling depression, please seek help. Please, talk. Please, fight. I believe in you.
Time stood still,
the way it did before,
it's like I'm sleepwalking.
fell into another hole again,
it's like I'm sleepwalking.
Days pass, the fog slowly rolls on. The town slowly loses hope that the fog will ever leave it's home. People are staying in, afraid to venture into the ever-thickening fog as it turns a heavier gray than the day before. The town slows down, beginning to fear they may be stuck forever. They want to leave, and in fact, they should. But venturing out into the fog could produce the worst, and the fog is incomprehensible in size. After a few more days, the townspeople fear the worst. They know that fear is overpowering their rational mind, and that fear knows no boundaries when it decides to take residence.
The town has not moved for days. Everyone feels the very worst, and knows not of their fellow residence. Finally, the house closest to the "Welcome To...." sign begins to reflect light. A small, sharp beam of the most beautiful gold. It begins to flood the house in the brightest of color, and fights off the grey that once swallowed the house. In what seems like seconds,the fog dissipates, revealing the quiet, empty town. Doors were shut, windows shaded, hope nearly gone. When the first beam hits the unsuspecting residents, a smile flashes across their faces. The gold that once stood among them is back to reclaim what is it's own. In pure delight, the townspeople tear off the shades, unbolt the doors, and flood the streets. Townspeople collectively sigh, rejoice, and have a celebration. Tomorrow, they will go back to their normal ways, fearing to remember the fog that overtook the town.
The battle is always the toughest. No one else understands what you feel. No one understands that, rationally, this makes no sense. One minute, you're smiling, enjoying the best moments with friends. The next day and for other continuous days, you feel as if a black case swallowed every other emotion you possessed, and your left to drown in sorrow. You constantly tell yourself you want to be normal; you want to laugh, smile, enjoy the moments others are clearly experiencing. You fight every single moment to rid yourself of this horrible haze that has clouded everything. The fight is exhausting, and you're having to constantly restart the battle from sun-up to sun-down.
I heard this song a while ago that completely struck every chord in my being. I couldn't believe how well it portrayed every moment I felt during my depressed states. As emotionally driven (14 year old scene girl) as this song is, it possess the truth of the matter. That feeling of being there, but not really being there. That feeling of wanting to enjoy every moment, but just hoping the moment would end so you could get away. It's such a hopeless pit of helplessness.
I never wanted to come out and say I was depressed, because I didn't believe I was. That was for people that had actual problems. I was a privileged kid, able to enjoy many of the things that life offered. I lost my father, yes. I lost my mom's parents shortly thereafter, yes. I could barely stand my step-father most/basically every day, yes. But I had fantastic health, great friends, and a loving mother and sister. I had my ATV, my bike, swimming, running, guitar, and plenty of other outlets to express myself when I needed to. Yet, I couldn't help but feel alone when the haze came. I couldn't help but feel like the world was resting it's massive ass across my chest. I was so young, I couldn't help but believe I was just going through growing pains. Yet, I had such a small feeling that maybe something was wrong.
It started slow, not lasting longer than a day. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake it. But it barely lasted longer than a day. I could handle that. And then, one turned into two, and it grew. It struck on days I couldn't foresee, even after I had some of the best days. It plagued my consciousness, going so far as to only have happy dreams I wish would come true. I had to fight, and I did. I knew I could at least give myself a fighting chance to stay as positive as possible. I did what I could when I could. I wanted to tell some of my friends, but I felt it sounded so foolish.
In the end, I did what I could, when I could. And, I'm as happy as ever to say I think I finally won. My attacks are less frequent, and even less strong. I fought a battle armed with nothing more than determination, a horrible affliction of competitiveness, and a great supporting cast.
I write this today as a tribute to a man who literally didn't deserve to lose. Robin Williams was a fantastic human being. I've read countless stories of him putting smiles on others faces. And I can just guess that's what fought his haze. I hope he finds the peace he truly deserves.
For anyone who is currently battling depression, please seek help. Please, talk. Please, fight. I believe in you.
Time stood still,
the way it did before,
it's like I'm sleepwalking.
fell into another hole again,
it's like I'm sleepwalking.
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