Gold

In a haphazard attempt to heal your wounds,
I carefully proceeded to make my way to you.
I knew you were hurting,
your face gave that away,
but it was your look that night,
that did align my own sight.
What I had realized was not evident to any naked eye,
it was kept close away for none to pry.
In one eager attempt I drew myself closer each night further,
hoping to examine this beautiful discovery.

I can hardly describe what it is I've found,
for I myself am still in shock.
I could align the stars, planets, and moons,
yet that wouldn't quite make out the beauty I have found.
I could write you a song with melodies and hooks,
but unfortunately it wouldn't come close to a good description.
I could group ten wonders of the world, showing them in succession,
but even then, those wouldn't keep my heart racing.

In a feeble attempt to convey my affection,
I will simply call it gold, for it's luster is similar,
and if I could be so lucky to possess that treasure,

that gold will be all that I need.

I can't be brief, so I won't. I can be confusing, so I will be.

The six strings will constantly play their part in my life these next few days. I've been getting consistently closer to this persistently dreaded day. Without a doubt, I'm completely stressed out. However, with each passing moment of darkness, there is a small ray of light that clearly shines when you need it most. I'm still looking for that light, but my optimism towards it is a sure sign that I can be better. I can get rid of all this negative energy and focus on doing the right thing. Maybe now I will calm down and realize what I'm doing.

I digress from my points consistently, with no conscious effort towards ever getting back to that thought. My brain trails, my lips fail, and my fingers always say what they want. Whenever I decide my thought process, I automatically deviate from it in an attempt to alleviate the pressure on my conscious from that ultimately horrible conclusion. Eventually, I now understand that my mind is taking it's toll on itself. Is it because I can't drive? Is it because I do no have a lady by my side? Hell if I truly know.

Completely deviating from my normal poetic prose, I want to clearly write and express my feelings. I want you guys to understand that I have not been the same for a few months now. I honestly have hated everything about myself for the past few months. I had to rely on too many people to keep me safe. I had to give my freedoms away for an incredibly selfish act. I had to explain to those I loved most that I could end up like my best friend. I had  to do a lot of things that I honestly never want to remember. I did a few things after the fact that I still question. I almost failed out of college. I let myself go to the point of no return.

Over these past few weeks, I have been feeling myself. I have been meaning to do right. I have been meaning to do good. I have been meaning to make amends. Now, I feel I am letting it slip away. It is as if I want to fall down that hill again in a vain attempt to show I am not going to be broken easily. The whole point of this is to break me. And I'm slowly trying to undo that lesson. I must stay focused. Stay poised. Stay true.


On my final paragraph, I now want to say thank you. Thank you to all those friends and family that helped me. Thank you to all those who lent their ear while I bent it with my angst. Thank you to all those who still listen to me bitch about those people I just see right through. Thank you to the people that kept me in the greatest fraternity on Ball State's campus (not bashing any other fraternity, I'm just so damn proud of my brothers). Thank you to my brothers who have kept me uplifted and proud of who I am. Thank you to anyone else who has just been there to say hey. I have had a rough 7 months, and without you all, I would be a devastated waste of space. When all comes to a fruition on Tuesday, I will finally have a weight lifted off my shoulders. sort of.... But, at least I know that you guys got me this far, you won't let me fall now. I love you all. Even when my words fail, my heart won't.

School Starts, Brain Stops

I constantly feel the knot tying tighter in my stomach. I'm knotted with pure confusion. I sat at home waiting to be closer to the ones that truly matter to me. I missed a lot of the people who have made college the best 7 years of my life. And yet, I sit behind my liquid crystal display screen wondering how I could be so complacent. My life has been wonderful. I couldn't have anything better not going for me. Yet, I incessantly yearn for more. Where is my satisfaction? Where is my humbleness I once prided myself on?

My only answer to any of these questions sits inside a garage, parked, and without a host. My vehicles have meant the world to me. Since I can't drive, I fear it has taken a toll on my mental state. My freedom has been stripped, fairly and justly might I add, but I can't stand not being able to support myself. I have always loved the open road. Being able to sing my favorite songs. Introducing myself to new places, new songs, new people. Having the tires guide me to my destination. Letting the speakers fill my ears with the sounds of the times. Taking the air in as it sneaks through the crack I left in my driver side window.

Wanting to drive is the only thing that is keeping my mental state out of check. As soon as my license is returned to me, my life will be back in order.

Serendipity

By choice, I gave you up. By accident, I told you my secret. By complete coincidence, you stopped talking to me. My mind slowly crept upon the idea that your interest level was not piquing. As that moment grew closer to where I knew we were on different levels, I dreaded the moment I had to admit to myself the truth. When it finally arrived, I accepted my fate, giving myself the ample time away from the situation, while wallering in self pity for brief, insecure moments. I had accepted defeat, and finally let myself free of this situation before it took me too far down.

Just when I had given that up. Just when I had lost all hope that I would ever see you again, I found you. Purely by accident. And it all started back again. My hope to have you soon is completely shattered, but in this life, I have to know just where we can go. I have to know what you mean to me in this life, whether it be as friends, more, or less.

Sleeping on Rocks

Before I begin, I think I should take down the shit before this. It is borderline crazy. I hope the person directed at in those words avoids this completely public blog at all costs. Comparable to avoiding the plague.

Diving straight into my latest extravaganza, I realize that I'm slowly going mad without my friends by my side. At first, I blamed it on loneliness without a companion to help my cope. I thought the world revolved around having that other half to stabilize your half (hence "other half"). I thought that maybe my mental capacity was diminishing because I couldn't function without some girl to hold me down.

Recently, my time at home playing video games has shown me some new information. I was beginning to wonder where my friends were. I was beginning to wonder how I can survive this summer without them. I was beginning to wonder how I would get anywhere without them. Now, I realize that my crippling mental capacity was due to not being able to see my friends damn near every day. I can hardly sleep because I haven't spoken to some of my friends in days. My other half isn't laced within some females soul, but spread across a group of people with incredible souls. Later in life, I will find my true other half. I surely do hope. But, for now, my friends have found themselves with the burden of dealing with my newest endeavors.

Fireworks

Of all the times where I could have said something, I didn't. All I've thought about these last few minutes is about how much I didn't say. I sit, wait, and wish I had done something different. In the end, I know only that what happened, happened, and I need to redeem myself. I have given myself the perfect opportunity to make something happen, and I couldn't conjure up the words to even make sense.

Maybe I should just give up and not force it, but fuck that. I wouldn't give up on anything else in life, why start now. I have had you on my mind for 6 fucking months. I'll be damned if I don't see what for. After all, I only knew you for a short period of time. For the last six months I lived in pictures hoping to be next to you. Hoping to be next to you. For the last 6 months, I wished to text you, but I could never find the right words to say. For the last 6 months, I've wanted to seek you out before anyone else. Why is it I still constantly think about you?

Could it be that I've just grown accustomed to seeing your face, or that I want to never let it slip my memory? Is it that I have an infatuation, or is there more to this? Bound and determined  to find out, I shall seek you out every day until I know for certain what I want. Even if this takes multiple visits, I will have my answer.  After all, six months should be a sign.

Rainy Day verses

I've dropped a few lines before,
they seem to me a bore,
So I will write a second piece,
to better conjure up a new peace.
These verses are silly ways to express my new found hope,
as if somebody saw me in a well, then handed me a rope.
I was down for too long, looking for the next great escape,
I was only searching for water, when I fell in the gape.
Had it not been for you, with your rope in hand,
smiling in my direction, your feet planted in land.
You dragged me up, led me to safety,
so here's a question. Call me maybe?

In Limbo

I've honestly had the toughest time trying to figure out what to say.
As if my mind only speaks in rhymes, indicating my words are vague.
I often stand by my words, making sure I release the next genius verse,
instead my voice feels exhausted, my sentences terse.
How am I to swoon such a person? My vocabulary is unbound,
yet,saying the right things never seems to come around.
I'm all a mess, thanks to you I guess,
with these few words, I plainly address,
I haven't the courage to tell you my feelings, for fear of failing,
As if my body could take any more of that constant flailing.
I'll give these words to the masses, so I can plainly confront,
if you read these words from me, it's you that I want.

Sweet Summer Sweat

Quietly and secretly, I strode along the road on a borrowed bike. The path winds through multiple neighborhoods, sometimes spitting into a highway or a park. I glided across the intersections, determined to reach my destination. I was poised to make my grand entrance. I had an idea of how to present myself, how to casually make my appearance, and even how to end the conversation.

My legs carried me through multiple miles, each time, driving through the peddle, and then forcing itself upward as quickly as possible to repeat its cycle. Every time the destination got closer, I drove a little harder, hoping the speed would hasten and I would get there sooner. Each moment of drawing closer to the place drew my mind towards making silly slideshows of how I wanted the scene to play out. Yet, I could only imagine what the real encounter would be like.

The sweat was pouring. I was determined to make it. I was going to make this trip worth my while. I'm getting closer, setting tire on common soil, when suddenly, an old friend appears. He crept around my head like a vine, covering my every crevice. My friend, good old Mr. Doubt, came in, stealing the show, and letting my know that this was not going to happen.

And as I reached my destination, doubt started to appear to have taken the W on this one. I was defeated, but not broken. The reason for my travels was no where to be found, and it looked as if I had to turn back home. My legs were filled with misery, only happy to make the same distance trip back, just so I could soak in my own shame. I guess, maybe next time, I'll try to let point b know of my intentions, rather than assume my ESP is working again.

Memory Dump, Scene 1. Take 1. Action.

Having to make some sort of excuse for every time someone asks you why you can't drive is completely aggravating. I've made a huge mistake in my life. Something that haunts my entire conscience, and I have to live with this fucking question every day for at least 90 days. It sleeps with me, pulling my eyes open only to see light escaping through a tube behind glass. It creeps in at work, jumping from behind a cabinet in hopes that I might succumb to its awful whine. It lurks beneath my shoes, punching my toes like speed bags until I sit down and let it float into my brain. It is...everywhere.

I figure that at some point I will have to let this go. I will have to move on. But today was the toughest day of the whole scenario past what I actually went through for the day of, and the weekend of. I can't validate myself behind my words. The only thing that helps me is that I have drive to want to live every day. That I want to look in front, instead of behind. I want to see myself through, rather than let it only be a hopeless dream in someone's speech at a party I will only attend in spirit.

Maybe I have gone a little mad since this whole damn shenanigan began, but it is creeping into my home life. The only place where I can let my mind wander without caring about where it goes. It has followed me like a horrible stench. I try to wash it away, but I'm still carrying the odor. I have enough troubles as it is growing up the way I have, but this instance only creates suspicion I could end up just as the magazines say my generation will. Now, my home is no longer safe. My home doesn't carry that sweet home feel, where I can finally get away from everything. What's been infiltrated is now completely bombarded. I can only hope that this wears away quickly before I distance myself from everything.

I'm scared of my own limbo, but I hope it keeps itself in check. I need to sleep, and my mind will only stay restless until I can find a way to harness it and bring it back to the glory days. I want to be new again. I want to feel like the world has finally been lit on fire by this guy, again.

--My last thought is that I wonder what some people think when someone gives them advice. Many humans learn from other humans. It's the best way to learn. You get the experience of someone who has been there, so you know what and what not to do (maybe I should have followed my own previous sentence). Sometimes, you have to learn things on your own. But other times, when you know that person has complete experience in that field, you agree that that paint may just be as wet as they say. Take the friendly advice you get, and receive it so. Maybe you'll learn something you didn't before that could save you from a horrible decision.--

I am my own worst enemy/ Fighting against my own worst enemy's worst enemies.

The washing machine scared me, giving me inspiration to write

The fucking washing machine made the gnarliest noise possible. In turn, it made me want to write a little bit.

I saw the streets of Chicago once again, absolutely astounded by the buildings surrounding me. My new look Tuesday was "out-of-towner", or a tourist, although I struck my feet on the sidewalk with poise as I was guiding me and Chris down the streets. Although I knew my direction, I still had that feel of oddity as I noticed how each building was still trying to out-touch the other. However lifeless they are, they still want to be better than the next. This kind of atmosphere almost breeds that type of "dog-eat-dog" attitude.

I one day envision myself resting my head on a pillow in one of those high rise apartments. Not just in any apartment though. The ones that I look at when I visit the windy city. I will one day call it my home. However, after a visit there not too long ago, I realize that sometimes, I can't keep up. Time was almost at a stand still, while the people were at full force, using every second to their advantage. Meanwhile, I'm left standing idly on the sidewalk, gawking at those massive "window structures". The city moves at twice the speed of light. Chris and I would check our phones, looking at the time, only to notice that a few minutes had passed. We had figured at least an hour had passed, when only 12 minutes had passed. The place is full of madness, while I'm left, still wasting away at the "window thing pointing towards the sky".

With My Heart In My Hands, I Only Wish You Well

I guess, I need to vent. I wonder sometimes what my actions will cause. I have made some interesting decisions as of late. I have given up someone to only start focusing on my future. I would have let myself go, and, if my calculations are correct, would only start heading down that path again, blinded by another's eyes. I am not trying to put myself back in my old situation by going back to that situation. I am simply making a conscious effort to put myself in the best situation possible.

As cold as it truly is, I know that it is what is best for everyone. Little known will be the demise of L.E. Sperling. For there will be none such to speak of.

I started to remember your face, forgot why, and dropped the whole thought.

Being alone gives my mind a jolt of inspiration. I let it call upon its wildest imaginations. It seemingly dives into every single thought I once had, and even forges new ones. For the most part, I can keep myself together, but the moments I can't, I realize I'm going stir crazy and step outside to feel the sun expose my shadow.

My creativity is flourishing, my heart is beating with ease, my brain isn't clogged with tobacco,and my body wants to be healthy. Overall, my experience away but within the world has really brought new perspective to who I am. I've dug deep to surround myself with positive ideas, positive minds, and positive hearts. I have let my brain wander in order to let it take its own journey for the time being so that I can refocus on the things that truly matter to me. While sometimes it can be distracting, it has a way of correcting itself rather quickly.

On a completely diluted note, I am doing very well in my summer class. It is more of a personal growth deal than anything else. It is time for me to own up to my own actions as an adult and realize that I need to man up. I have a 95 with a week left of class. If I leave with anything less than a 90, I'd consider it a defeat. I want that A, and I will have my A.

As I continue forward with a week left, I only hope to let my mind be clear, my heart guide me forward, and my hands not fail me.

Wake Up

Rummaging through my latest thoughts renders my first post in what appears to be in a different millennium. The next posts on this blog will tend to be focused towards whatever the fuck I want to say, be it during the late night binges I coax myself into. Hoping to become comatose is no way to go through life, but those nights I find myself wondering why I did it in the first place.

A dear friend visited for the first time today in so many weeks of no communication. We discussed lifes' newest flavors, and it's potential to succeed or fail. Before I had to cut this talk short due to prior engagements creeping up, he shared a bit of new knowledge I had not yet received. I took it in, grasped it firmly, and understood its implications. I now faced the decision of deciphering what it means to me.

 It rattled around in my brain during my class(or the previous engagement as it were), trying to figure out why this is what it is. It was a new kind of shock. One where you don't expect it, but previous In all my time here on this pile of dirt, never had I wanted to relay a message so bad after thinking so heavily on something. My message slowly developed, and it's something that needs to be shared.

This semester was the toughest of my life. New plans emerged, old goals were tarnished, and I found myself behind a door I could not open for the first time in my life (and the last). I gave up on my studies, lost focus of myself, and tried to rebuild all in this short amount of time called a semester. After the semester ended, I had the worst GPA of my entire scholastic career. Devastated...absolutely. Determined to buckle down and grow up...absolutely. Ready to tell the ones I love...fuck no. This new brand of adversity only made me realize who I was becoming, and I am not that person.

With a new energy and focus on life, I am determined to redo what was once in shambles. My life will be purposeful, or at least on the right track. My determination to be the best is back, and I won't stop until my name is known as the best. I ate these bullets, swallowed them whole, shit out a loaded gun, and started firing back.

With this story, I only want to inspire. I found myself at the lowest of lows. I went to the bottom and found nothing but the bottles I emptied. I was determined to crawl out of that fucking hole myself. Maybe my alcoholism was trying to turn on, but the numbers on my chest thought it was best if he would intervene. I have found that I am no longer the kid I once was. I'm 21, in college, living on my own, and no one to wipe my ass when it needs it. I need to realize that I am an adult and I will do whatever it takes to survive. That means getting the grades I know I am capable of, stop drinking like I'm on Rumspringa, and graduate with honors, or as close as I can get to it. Boys and girls, you all still can get down. Get wild and piss on car tires. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time to face the world head on. Grow up, be an adult, and face adversity head on. Take responsibility for your own actions. Don't assume that there is a safety net.

 "...and if my hands find themselves another body, well, you can't blame them for trying to keep warm..."